It's 2 days after the most difficult Christmas I ever lived through. I started out in a good frame of mind, but by lunch I had allowed Satan to come and rain on my parade with bitterness and anger...so much for standing firm in my faith. The Lord in his mercy got me thru and the next day was a new beginning. God has led me to scriptures these last days that have the phrase:
"in just a little while..." Hebrews 10, 1Peter 1:6-7
In these verses God is promising that in what seems just "a little while" he will come thru with the plans he has for you.
" I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I know this verse very well. It's been my life verse for years. I cling to this verse knowing how much my Lord loves me. But sometimes in pain and frustration I tend to yell and scream at God when things don't go my way or he's making me wait "just a little while."
I will stand on his promise knowing that right now he is wanting me to truly own the words to the song "Enough" recorded by Barlow Girl
All of you is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all if have in you is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
Your are my reward worth living for
Still more awesome than I know
You're my sacrifice of greater price
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King
My everything
Still more awesome than I know
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Journey of an Adulteress
This journey began 71 days ago when my husband of 22 years walked out on me because he's having an adulterous affair. Warning: This blog will not focus on bringing down my husband if you're looking for an online war. The focus will be on the truths the Lord has spoken to me thru this trial in my life.
For the first days of the beginning of this painful path, I was angry and hurt at both my husband and God. All I could cling to was Romans 8:28:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I wanted God to help me out of the darkness of my anger and grief and into his light. On October 23rd I told God in my distress that I didn't even know where to go in his word for solace and guidance. God led me to Psalm 40 and specifically verse 3:
"He put a new song in my mouth"
God promised to put a new song of joy in my mouth thru my circumstances. He also told me that victory was already mine in Ephesians 2:6.
"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us up with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus"
God revealed to me that he wanted to use this time alone to deal with any strongholds of sin I still had and to refine me and make me more like his son, Jesus.
Further affirmation that yes, God was using this time of loneliness for His purpose found in Max Lucados' book Traveling Light that I had already began reading before my husband left.
"Loneliness. Could it be one of God's greatest gifts? If a season of solitude is his way to teach you to hear his song, don't you think it's worth it."
But God reassured me that I wasn't completely alone. Psalm 23:4
"You are with me."
and that
"The Lord is good and his love endures forever" Psalm 100:5
God showed me thru the book Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller that I was looking for my worth thru people not thru Him.
"I wanted other people (my husband) to value me...but God's love, God's voice and presence would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them"
At that time I told the Lord I was willing to enter into the garden to walk alone with him and get to know him better and to find my sense of worth in him and nothing more.
I would like to say that I was really ready to enter into the Lord's garden at that time, but I wasn't completely ready yet. I was still too concerned with what I thought the Lord should be doing in my husband's life. I wasn't at the point of truly letting my husband go to the Lord and allow God to deal with him. I wasn't truly trusting God completely. I was trying to control the situation.
Thru this time God had me read again a fictional book written by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love. The book portrays the underlying theme of the book of Hosea in the Bible. In Hosea, God writes the beautiful story of his love for us through his redemption of the adulterous nation Israel. I felt God was telling me to love my husband as Hosea loved his adulerous wife. That helped me replace my anger for my husband with God's love. A much better plan that the revenge my flesh wanted to give to my husband.
God gave me the promise that he was fighting this battle for my marriage and my will for me thru Exodus 15.
"The Lord is my warrior..." v. 3
"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In strength you will guide them in your holy dwelling" v.13
"You will brung them in and plant them in the mountain of your inheritance-the place, O Lord, you made for your dwelling" v.17
God started to reveal my true worth in him. I wrote in my journal on November 10th:
"God says: I'm so in love with you. I made you for dancing. You can do anything inside the strength of my love. You are worthy. You are capable. You are beautiful."
On Nov. 13th I told God I was tired of all the false pretenses in my life. I asked him to reveal the hard truths about my flesh. I wanted to stop using him to get what I wanted and that I no longer wanted my side of our relationship to be conditioanl with strings attached. I told the Lord that all I wanted was my life to be about him and bringing him glory. I wrote in all caps:
"I WANT FINALLY TO FALL HEAD OF HEELS IN LOVE WITH YOU."
But I was still having problems trusting and letting go completely. I asked God to help my unbelief thru his promises.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in him and I am helped." Pslam 28
It was still a battle though. I kept focusing on what pain my husband was causing me. But God continued to speak to me.
"Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
God was reminding me of the end results I had asked him earlier to work in my life thru the pain and suffering.
"These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7
I was still focused on the pain of my trial, but still was reaching to God to help me change my focus.
"Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him." Job 13:15
I knew God had a purpose for my pain.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
God assured me of his plans with the love only he can give us.
"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter has past; and the rains are over and gone! Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come." Song of Solomon 2:10-12
He promised that a time of great rejoicing would be coming from this trial. But I still was holding onto some unbelief. God told me:
"anything that does not come from faith is sin." Romans 14:23
God continued in his love to reveal truth to me by having me come across the book Captivating by John and Stasi Elderedge.
"The message of our wounds nearly always is, 'This is because of you. This is what you deserve.' It changes things to realize that NO, it is because you are GLORIOUS that these things happened. It is because you are a major threat to the kingdom of darkness. Because you everyday carry the glory of God to the world. You are hated (by Satan) because of your beauty and power (as a daughter of Eve)." pg. 85
God revealed how Satan was playing on my #1 fear as a woman.
"Oh, but you are alone, This is the way of the Evil One toward you. He plays upon a woman's worst fear: ABANDONMENT. He arranges for her to be abandoned, and puts his spin on every event he can to make it seem like abadonment." pg. 88
The Lord put me onto Satan's lies and I knew I was abandoned. God was still with me and would never leave me like my husband and his imperfect love had.
More truth revealed.
"Satan. He is the one who has done these things in order to prevent your restoration (with God). For that is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your life." pg 90
"You really won't understand your life as a woman until you understand this:
YOU ARE PASSIONATELY LOVED BY THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. YOU ARE PASSIONATELY HATED BY THE ENEMY (because I'm the daughter of Eve-the object of God's beauty and giver of life)." pg. 91
Joy's new name: Isaiah 62 1-5:
"For Joy's sake I will not keep silent. for Joy's sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see her righteousness, and all the kings her glory; Joy will be called a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. Joy will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of her God. No longer will the call Joy deserted. or name her land Desolate. Joy will be called Hephzibah ( the name of the high school I went to-no lie!-it means God's delight). and her land Beulah (married), for the Lord will take delight in Joy and her land will be married... as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will Joy's God rejoice over her."
God continued to heal me with his word found in Isaiah 61:1-3.
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives....to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteouness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
I then went back to reading Captivating.
"He came to RESTORE the glorious creation that you are. And then set you free...TO BE YOURSELF." pg.95
That spoke volumes to me! Who am I really? The real Joy has been lost playing the roles of wife and mom for 22 years. I saw thru the book that I had put up walls around my heart to keep my husband from hurting me. This also kept God out from my heart as well. God used the first marriage seperation to become the Lord of my life, but the walls of distrust I built kept him from finishing what he wanted me to realize-he also wanted to be the Lover of my soul as well.
"The trouble with stealing yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being detroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed." Captivating pg. 98
God knew I was ready now to being completely transformed.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14
I asked God to create in me a hunger and thirst for him alone.
"as the dear pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." Psalm 41:1
But I needed to get quiet with God. To stop thinking about my circumstances.
"He will quiet you with his love." Zephaniah 3:17
The pain was unbearable at times. I wanted to die it was so hard to bear. My kids and parents are what stopped me on focusing on an easy way out. All I could do was cling to God's promises.
"But he knows the way I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." Job 23:1
God continued to speak thru Captivating.
"The secret of releasing a woman's heart and her beauty:"
"DO NOT GIVE WAY TO FEAR." 1 Peter 3:6
I am plenty afraid. I fear I will not bear up enough, even with God's strength the pain of my husband's rejection. I fear the possible length of healing from this life altering trial. But I repent of my fear and cling to the Lord.
"In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15
"Stay awake to the unmet longing and ache. Wait there. Invite Jesus to come there. And he will come. Not always to satisfy us with what we want. But to come himself; to meet us with his very Person and to satisfy us with himself." Captivating pg. 143
I asked Jesus to come.
"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer." Captivating pg. 143.
"As they pass thru the valley of Baca (desolate place), they make it a place of springs." Psalm 84:6
"It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged." Captivating pg. 143
"God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. He is restoring and growing an eternal weight in glory. And sometimes...IT HURTS!" Captivating pg. 144
"...a heart awakened to its sorrow. It is more aware. more present, and more alive, to all the facets of life." Captivating pg. 146
"It is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in a dangerous world." Captivating pg. 147
"Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope." Captivating pg. 147
These statements spoke to my soul and encouraged me to move on in God's strength. He led me to another book Never Alone by Phyllis Hobe.
"Christ knew what is so difficult for us to realize-that if we seek love before we know who we are (in Him) then we may never find our real identity-and never find genuine love (His love). Because we may have to become what others want us to be-and only as long as that is what they want."
That was so exactly me! I don't know who I really am in Jesus and I had become what I thought my husband wanted me to be (but without any real communication from my husband) and he definitely doesn't want what I became in the effort to be what I thought he wanted me to be. The sentence itself screams at the absurdity of what I had done!
"Right now whether you're ready or not, you have a choice to make. Being alone can be depressing, terrifying, isolating. OR it can be rewarding, worth all the struggles, the irritations, the fear, confusion, pain, and exploration you're going to experience. It is neither the best not the worst time of your life, but rather a time of challenge. And God is going to do the challenging-if you will allow him. HE'S GOING TO INSIST THAT YOU GO ON TO BECOME THE PERSON HE CREATED A LONG TIME AGO. Not all by yourself, but with his help. Instead of secluding you from life (which is our natural inclination), He's going to push you right into the middle of it- and go with you." Never Alone
God offered me a challenge I was ready to accept. It was difficult. I still had many days of weakness, but the Lord continued to help me with his promises.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles (eagles love to use the strong winds of storms to rise above the storms they are facing); they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
One night during a battle with Satan when I was missing my husband terribly I heard Jesus saying to me, "I AM ENOUGH FOR YOU." I have used that precious moment over and over in times of weakness. I cling to the truth that Jesus is enough for me.
But I still was weak at times. One night I screamed out to God, "I just want my life back!" That is when God so tenderly spoke to me thru his word.
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:25
He gently reminded me that I had said I wanted to become what he had originally made me to be, and that "No, I couldn't have my life back the way it had been. I have something better for you."
"God wants to bring you into union with himself, but unless you are willing to give up your right to yourself He cannot." My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
God continues to strengthen.
"...earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26
"only one thing I do; forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 2:13-14
Okay, I'm almost there...stay with me people! I asked God to search me the day after a painful conversation I had with my husband when I stepped out of God's will and tried to speak truth to my husband.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offense in me, and lead me into the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
God had me by myself this last Sunday afternoon. I was in his word reviewing scripture shared in Sunday School class that morning. I was reviewing James 4.
"You ADULTEROUS people." v.4
MAJOR REVELATION: Here I was pointing out to my husband that he was in sin against God because of his adultery and I was an adulterer myself! I have comitted adultery against Jesus many times and for a much long period than my husband's infedility. I had left my first and only true love for the world. That had to sink in for some moments. But the heart wrenching realization that I have hurt my Savior deeply because of my betrayal! I know exactly what that kind of pain that is! And my pain centered around losing the love of another flawed human. I have hurt the Lover of my soul, who loves me with a perfect love! And even after that realization and repentence the Lord gave me this:
"the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely (just like I envy my husband giving his love for me to another). But HE GIVES US MORE GRACE." James 4:5-6
HE IS SO GOOD! MORE THAN WE CAN EVER COMPREHEND!
So I stand before the world a repentent adulteress, who has "taken the log out of her eye so I can see the speck of dust in my husband's eye". I don't know how much longer I will be in this trial. What God reveals to me that I believe can be an encouragement to others I will share as I continue this journey as a redeemed and passionately loved adulteress.
For the first days of the beginning of this painful path, I was angry and hurt at both my husband and God. All I could cling to was Romans 8:28:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I wanted God to help me out of the darkness of my anger and grief and into his light. On October 23rd I told God in my distress that I didn't even know where to go in his word for solace and guidance. God led me to Psalm 40 and specifically verse 3:
"He put a new song in my mouth"
God promised to put a new song of joy in my mouth thru my circumstances. He also told me that victory was already mine in Ephesians 2:6.
"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us up with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus"
God revealed to me that he wanted to use this time alone to deal with any strongholds of sin I still had and to refine me and make me more like his son, Jesus.
Further affirmation that yes, God was using this time of loneliness for His purpose found in Max Lucados' book Traveling Light that I had already began reading before my husband left.
"Loneliness. Could it be one of God's greatest gifts? If a season of solitude is his way to teach you to hear his song, don't you think it's worth it."
But God reassured me that I wasn't completely alone. Psalm 23:4
"You are with me."
and that
"The Lord is good and his love endures forever" Psalm 100:5
God showed me thru the book Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller that I was looking for my worth thru people not thru Him.
"I wanted other people (my husband) to value me...but God's love, God's voice and presence would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them"
At that time I told the Lord I was willing to enter into the garden to walk alone with him and get to know him better and to find my sense of worth in him and nothing more.
I would like to say that I was really ready to enter into the Lord's garden at that time, but I wasn't completely ready yet. I was still too concerned with what I thought the Lord should be doing in my husband's life. I wasn't at the point of truly letting my husband go to the Lord and allow God to deal with him. I wasn't truly trusting God completely. I was trying to control the situation.
Thru this time God had me read again a fictional book written by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love. The book portrays the underlying theme of the book of Hosea in the Bible. In Hosea, God writes the beautiful story of his love for us through his redemption of the adulterous nation Israel. I felt God was telling me to love my husband as Hosea loved his adulerous wife. That helped me replace my anger for my husband with God's love. A much better plan that the revenge my flesh wanted to give to my husband.
God gave me the promise that he was fighting this battle for my marriage and my will for me thru Exodus 15.
"The Lord is my warrior..." v. 3
"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In strength you will guide them in your holy dwelling" v.13
"You will brung them in and plant them in the mountain of your inheritance-the place, O Lord, you made for your dwelling" v.17
God started to reveal my true worth in him. I wrote in my journal on November 10th:
"God says: I'm so in love with you. I made you for dancing. You can do anything inside the strength of my love. You are worthy. You are capable. You are beautiful."
On Nov. 13th I told God I was tired of all the false pretenses in my life. I asked him to reveal the hard truths about my flesh. I wanted to stop using him to get what I wanted and that I no longer wanted my side of our relationship to be conditioanl with strings attached. I told the Lord that all I wanted was my life to be about him and bringing him glory. I wrote in all caps:
"I WANT FINALLY TO FALL HEAD OF HEELS IN LOVE WITH YOU."
But I was still having problems trusting and letting go completely. I asked God to help my unbelief thru his promises.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in him and I am helped." Pslam 28
It was still a battle though. I kept focusing on what pain my husband was causing me. But God continued to speak to me.
"Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
God was reminding me of the end results I had asked him earlier to work in my life thru the pain and suffering.
"These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7
I was still focused on the pain of my trial, but still was reaching to God to help me change my focus.
"Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him." Job 13:15
I knew God had a purpose for my pain.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
God assured me of his plans with the love only he can give us.
"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter has past; and the rains are over and gone! Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come." Song of Solomon 2:10-12
He promised that a time of great rejoicing would be coming from this trial. But I still was holding onto some unbelief. God told me:
"anything that does not come from faith is sin." Romans 14:23
God continued in his love to reveal truth to me by having me come across the book Captivating by John and Stasi Elderedge.
"The message of our wounds nearly always is, 'This is because of you. This is what you deserve.' It changes things to realize that NO, it is because you are GLORIOUS that these things happened. It is because you are a major threat to the kingdom of darkness. Because you everyday carry the glory of God to the world. You are hated (by Satan) because of your beauty and power (as a daughter of Eve)." pg. 85
God revealed how Satan was playing on my #1 fear as a woman.
"Oh, but you are alone, This is the way of the Evil One toward you. He plays upon a woman's worst fear: ABANDONMENT. He arranges for her to be abandoned, and puts his spin on every event he can to make it seem like abadonment." pg. 88
The Lord put me onto Satan's lies and I knew I was abandoned. God was still with me and would never leave me like my husband and his imperfect love had.
More truth revealed.
"Satan. He is the one who has done these things in order to prevent your restoration (with God). For that is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your life." pg 90
"You really won't understand your life as a woman until you understand this:
YOU ARE PASSIONATELY LOVED BY THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. YOU ARE PASSIONATELY HATED BY THE ENEMY (because I'm the daughter of Eve-the object of God's beauty and giver of life)." pg. 91
Joy's new name: Isaiah 62 1-5:
"For Joy's sake I will not keep silent. for Joy's sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see her righteousness, and all the kings her glory; Joy will be called a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. Joy will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of her God. No longer will the call Joy deserted. or name her land Desolate. Joy will be called Hephzibah ( the name of the high school I went to-no lie!-it means God's delight). and her land Beulah (married), for the Lord will take delight in Joy and her land will be married... as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will Joy's God rejoice over her."
God continued to heal me with his word found in Isaiah 61:1-3.
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives....to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteouness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
I then went back to reading Captivating.
"He came to RESTORE the glorious creation that you are. And then set you free...TO BE YOURSELF." pg.95
That spoke volumes to me! Who am I really? The real Joy has been lost playing the roles of wife and mom for 22 years. I saw thru the book that I had put up walls around my heart to keep my husband from hurting me. This also kept God out from my heart as well. God used the first marriage seperation to become the Lord of my life, but the walls of distrust I built kept him from finishing what he wanted me to realize-he also wanted to be the Lover of my soul as well.
"The trouble with stealing yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being detroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed." Captivating pg. 98
God knew I was ready now to being completely transformed.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14
I asked God to create in me a hunger and thirst for him alone.
"as the dear pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." Psalm 41:1
But I needed to get quiet with God. To stop thinking about my circumstances.
"He will quiet you with his love." Zephaniah 3:17
The pain was unbearable at times. I wanted to die it was so hard to bear. My kids and parents are what stopped me on focusing on an easy way out. All I could do was cling to God's promises.
"But he knows the way I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." Job 23:1
God continued to speak thru Captivating.
"The secret of releasing a woman's heart and her beauty:"
"DO NOT GIVE WAY TO FEAR." 1 Peter 3:6
I am plenty afraid. I fear I will not bear up enough, even with God's strength the pain of my husband's rejection. I fear the possible length of healing from this life altering trial. But I repent of my fear and cling to the Lord.
"In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15
"Stay awake to the unmet longing and ache. Wait there. Invite Jesus to come there. And he will come. Not always to satisfy us with what we want. But to come himself; to meet us with his very Person and to satisfy us with himself." Captivating pg. 143
I asked Jesus to come.
"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer." Captivating pg. 143.
"As they pass thru the valley of Baca (desolate place), they make it a place of springs." Psalm 84:6
"It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged." Captivating pg. 143
"God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. He is restoring and growing an eternal weight in glory. And sometimes...IT HURTS!" Captivating pg. 144
"...a heart awakened to its sorrow. It is more aware. more present, and more alive, to all the facets of life." Captivating pg. 146
"It is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in a dangerous world." Captivating pg. 147
"Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope." Captivating pg. 147
These statements spoke to my soul and encouraged me to move on in God's strength. He led me to another book Never Alone by Phyllis Hobe.
"Christ knew what is so difficult for us to realize-that if we seek love before we know who we are (in Him) then we may never find our real identity-and never find genuine love (His love). Because we may have to become what others want us to be-and only as long as that is what they want."
That was so exactly me! I don't know who I really am in Jesus and I had become what I thought my husband wanted me to be (but without any real communication from my husband) and he definitely doesn't want what I became in the effort to be what I thought he wanted me to be. The sentence itself screams at the absurdity of what I had done!
"Right now whether you're ready or not, you have a choice to make. Being alone can be depressing, terrifying, isolating. OR it can be rewarding, worth all the struggles, the irritations, the fear, confusion, pain, and exploration you're going to experience. It is neither the best not the worst time of your life, but rather a time of challenge. And God is going to do the challenging-if you will allow him. HE'S GOING TO INSIST THAT YOU GO ON TO BECOME THE PERSON HE CREATED A LONG TIME AGO. Not all by yourself, but with his help. Instead of secluding you from life (which is our natural inclination), He's going to push you right into the middle of it- and go with you." Never Alone
God offered me a challenge I was ready to accept. It was difficult. I still had many days of weakness, but the Lord continued to help me with his promises.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles (eagles love to use the strong winds of storms to rise above the storms they are facing); they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
One night during a battle with Satan when I was missing my husband terribly I heard Jesus saying to me, "I AM ENOUGH FOR YOU." I have used that precious moment over and over in times of weakness. I cling to the truth that Jesus is enough for me.
But I still was weak at times. One night I screamed out to God, "I just want my life back!" That is when God so tenderly spoke to me thru his word.
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:25
He gently reminded me that I had said I wanted to become what he had originally made me to be, and that "No, I couldn't have my life back the way it had been. I have something better for you."
"God wants to bring you into union with himself, but unless you are willing to give up your right to yourself He cannot." My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
God continues to strengthen.
"...earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26
"only one thing I do; forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 2:13-14
Okay, I'm almost there...stay with me people! I asked God to search me the day after a painful conversation I had with my husband when I stepped out of God's will and tried to speak truth to my husband.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offense in me, and lead me into the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
God had me by myself this last Sunday afternoon. I was in his word reviewing scripture shared in Sunday School class that morning. I was reviewing James 4.
"You ADULTEROUS people." v.4
MAJOR REVELATION: Here I was pointing out to my husband that he was in sin against God because of his adultery and I was an adulterer myself! I have comitted adultery against Jesus many times and for a much long period than my husband's infedility. I had left my first and only true love for the world. That had to sink in for some moments. But the heart wrenching realization that I have hurt my Savior deeply because of my betrayal! I know exactly what that kind of pain that is! And my pain centered around losing the love of another flawed human. I have hurt the Lover of my soul, who loves me with a perfect love! And even after that realization and repentence the Lord gave me this:
"the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely (just like I envy my husband giving his love for me to another). But HE GIVES US MORE GRACE." James 4:5-6
HE IS SO GOOD! MORE THAN WE CAN EVER COMPREHEND!
So I stand before the world a repentent adulteress, who has "taken the log out of her eye so I can see the speck of dust in my husband's eye". I don't know how much longer I will be in this trial. What God reveals to me that I believe can be an encouragement to others I will share as I continue this journey as a redeemed and passionately loved adulteress.
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